Hello. Mystery Guest here. Rand isn't feeling quite well right now, so he asked that I blog  on his behalf. As most of you probably know, his father has been in the hospital for over a week now, and is currently fighting a fever that won't seem to go away. We're all hoping for the best. Rand just returned from a trip out east and headed straight from the airport to see his dad, so he's feeling a bit tired.

So that leaves you poor saps in my hands. I asked Rand what I should write about, and begged for a topic that my little non-SEO brain could handle. He suggested I write about elements of online shopping that piss me off. Fine. That I can do. But realizing that between this and my other posts, I might be painting a picture of myself that isn't quite accurate, a few disclaimers: First off, please don't think that all I do is shop, watch television, and film videos of myself doing stupid things. I'm a fairly substantial person, at least on occasion. Seriously. My favorite book is Catch-22. I'm a writer - and not even recreationally. I'm actually paid for it. I promise. I'm smart. I'm worthy of Rand. Really.

And, most importantly, I don't sit and think about shopping while my boyfriend's father is sick in the hospital. But I've learned that when people need you, it might not always be in the capacity you expect. Some people need a hug. Some need someone to sit and listen. In this instance, Rand needs me to blog. So, baby, this is for you. I hope I don't screw up.

That being said, on to what pisses me off about online shopping.

1. "Complete the Outfit" features that don't work I'd like to think I'm fairly fashionable. I only wore Ugg boots with shorts once, but I promise it was over 2 years and 10 pounds ago. Even so, I need an occasional hand figuring out what to pair with what. And to be honest, some of the stuff they sell at Anthropologie is pretty damn confusing. Really? I should pair the vintage-inspired silk kimono print top with cargo capris? I didn't see that coming. And while it might not necessarily be a feature I utilize, it's still pretty handy. But if a site has it, I say at least do it right. Last time I was shopping on Anthropologie.com, it suggested I "complete the outfit" by pairing the cute brown boots I was looking at with, quite inexplicably, two other pairs of brown boots. I tried to figure out the logistics of this, and could not. Unless I somehow laced the remaining boots into a type of corset. But then I'd still need pants.
2. Search features that suck. Okay, so maybe the reason I'm always broke is that I'm always shopping on Anthropologie ("Eighty bucks for a sweatshirt? What the hell's up with that place?" - Rebecca). But I'm convinced I'd spend less time there if the search capabilities weren't so terrible. If you want to look at blouses, you can't simply select "see all". Instead, you have to browse by blouse categories, which are often given confusing titles like "feminine", "flirty", and "on the go". As opposed to those stay at home blouses.
3. Sites that don't list out of stock items as "out of stock". This is just foul. Really. It's kind of evil. It's like telling a child you are taking them to Disneyland, then driving them to an empty lot and saying, "Oh, looks like Disneyland burned down." It's simple - if an item is out of stock in the color and/or size that I want, then please, please don't allow me to select the item. Telling me it is "unavailable" after I've already decided to buy it is too late. Now what the hell am I going to wear with my leather boots corset?
4. Review your purchase pages that don't let you review your purchases. In the world of women's online shopping, clothing is given stupid names. I nearly bought a pair of ugly shoes because they were named after me (shut up, Matt). Often times, these names suggest nothing of the product itself, which can be alarming if you see the "Brenda Walsh sundress" and the "Rohypnol tank top" in your cart without a link or image to remind you of what it was you selected. Is it really so hard to add a link on the review page?
5. 5. Any commerce site designed in Flash. I recently visited Camper.com and tried sending a link to a pair of shoes I liked to a friend of mine. I thought I sent her cute grey wedges, but she saw a pair of yellow sandals that had cleary been designed by a 4-year-old. A 4-year-old with a nasty LSD habit. The problem? The product pages seemed like they each had unique URLs, but apparently they didn't. It was some weird flash application. And yes, I bought the wedges. But not from Camper.
6. 6. Site that don't tell you they charge for shipping. This one actually comes from Rand himself. I don't know that I've ever been caught off guard (I usually anticipate $7 - 10 shipping, so I'm delighted if it's less, or - gasp - free). But I can imagine how annoying it is to see a $10 surcharge on the "Liberace chinos". Note: I am soooo tired. I don't know how Rand does this every single night.  
7. You buy an item online, but can't return it to a physical store. This makes no sense. How can Urban Outfitters and urbanoutfitters.com not be affiliated?  It seems like a pretty logical and convenient step to make the two linked. (Note: I think UO might have gotten their act together by now, but I think this was true up until a few years ago). I mean, hell, Nordstrom's takes back clothing from Target - I've seen it. Stores should at least take back the clothing they sell, regardles of place of purchase.
8. Discrepancies between online and physical store prices. Long ago, there was an assumption that if it's online, it's cheaper. Recently, I saw this blouse at an Antropologie store in downtown Seattle for less than half of the online "sale" price. This was over two weeks ago, and the online price still hasn't dropped. I understand that it has to do with stock available, etc., but there really should be some sort of price-matching policy. (Also, per #4, notice that the top is called the "Dwelling Shell". Which is a phrase that I figured was used solely when describing hermit crabs).
9. Photo previews that don't let you enlarge the image, zoom-in, etc. This really should be common-knowledge. Bigger is better. No one wants to try and figure out what a shirt would look like on them when all they have to go on is a photo that, if printed and cut out, would be appropriately-sized for someone's locket. But that would be a weird thing to put in a locket. Most people would put in photos of say, their loved ones. Weirdo. Putting a picture of a pair of pants in your locket. What's wrong with you?
10. Sites that don't sell online. Fly London makes painfully cute boots. I am the sort of person who is willing to spend money on painfully cute boots. But their site, in addition to being impossible to navigate, and featuring weird scrolling images of all their shoes (which cannot be enlarged), doesn't actually sell any of the shoes they make. And no, Zappos doesn't carry all their shoes, either. So I'd either have to fly to London (holy crap! That's how the company got its name!) or beg Danny to bring me back a pair. So what do you say, Sullivan? Puh-lease? I want the green knee-high boots with the straps. Size 37. I'll totally pay you back.

Sigh. Okay, that's all. I mean, I'm sure there's more, but I need to go to sleep. I hope you enjoyed it. After all, I was writing for a niche audience: that bearded man who shares my bed and tells me I'm pretty. Oh, and Rand, too.