Good day, fellow mozzers.  This past month during my annual vacation to Afghanistan, while traversing the Karakorum Mountains I caught up with the Most Famous SEO In The World, Mr. Darren Slatten. 

Fortunately for me, Darren had recently wandered from his cave to stock up on rice and opium after a long cold winter.  After much prying, Darren reluctantly agreed to this far reaching interview.  So, grab some popcorn, sit back and revel in the greatness that is Darren Slatten - The World's Greatest SEO on the planet Earth.

Sean:  Darren, some have lauded you as the second coming of Matt Cutts.  Others simply call you genius.  Knowing your modesty, I can only imagine how humbled you must be by these far reaching compliments.

Darren:  To tell you the truth, Sean, it took some getting used to. For quite awhile, the details of my greatness were kept from the public and I was able to live a normal life, blending seamlessly into the crowds of average SEOs. Those days are gone, however. Between the paparazzi and the endless hordes of screaming female fans, I was forced to seek refuge in the remote Hindu Kush mountains. That reminds me... weren't you saying something about rice and opium?

Sean:  Yes.  It's no secret that you've been working freelance for stircrazythai.  Clearly you've been successful there.  Tell us - How did you get involved?  What was the key to getting number one rankings, and what kind of payment have you received for your efforts?

Darren:  As with most SEO success, it all begins with choosing the right keywords.  I started by developing my keyword list "Buy opium", "Where can I buy opium", "I love Opium", "I need an Opium Fix" - stuff like that.  That's what led me to move to Afghanistan.  I think it's critical to immerse yourself in your craft.  Some say I'm like the Christian Bale of SEO, you #$%^'ing idiot!

After 10 minutes or so of Darren lambasting me for asking him about his SEO prowess, our conversation moved to the more intimate personal side of Darren Slatten.

Sean:  Darren, back in 1953, you starred in a movie alongside Cary Grant, "An Affair To Remember."  Tell us - was there, you know, an affair to remember?

Darren:  Well... heh... there was definitely an affair--I just don't think it was a memorable one.  On one particular evening, after a long day on the set, I had returned to my trailer to grab my stash of... rice... when suddenly Cary came stumbling in, drunk as a skunk.  He must have thought it was his trailer, because he stumbled over to my bed and passed out.  As you can imagine, one thing led to another and... well... the rest is history.  The next day, it was business as usual.  He never mentioned it, so I never brought it up.  To this day, I still don't know if he remembers that magical night. 

Sean:  Okay, I know this is painful for you, but it must be brought up.  Many people don't realize that before you became the World's Greatest SEO, you were a a dancer with the Joffrey Ballet Company, and it was there that you met Mikhail Baryshnikov.  In fact, it was in 1992 that you and Mikhail perfected the deep single toe lift.  Walk us through that move if you will. 

Darren:  That move speaks for itself, really.  It's just as difficult as it looks, but Mik and I were dedicated to our craft and we were willing to put in the long hours of practice.

Sean:  From there, love blossomed and it wasn't long before you and Mikhail were a fixture on the nightclub circuit, prancing all over NY, London, Paris, etc.  Suddenly, it was over?  Some say it was Favour Ahmed that came between you.  Please share.

Darren:  I met Favour backstage one night, after Mik and I had finished performing in front of a refugee camp, somewhere off the coast of Iraq.  She was crying because her fiber optic internet connection was down and she was being forced to surf the Web through a copper T3 line.  I felt really bad for her, so I formed a rebel alliance, attacked her house, and killed her parents.  Mik got jealous.  He said I was cheating on him emotionally... which is even worse than cheating on him physically.  Some people blame Favour for the breakup, but I blame the Iraqi internet service providers.

Sean:  Recently, you've been seen back in the spotlight on Mikhail's arm, most recently at Chanel's after party at the Waldorf.  By the way, you haven't aged a bit.  We must know - is the ice of your winter heart beginning to melt for Mikhail once more?

Darren:  No.  That was merely a publicity stunt.  After a few drinks, he said he wanted to toe lift me, but it was just the booze talking.

Sean:  Okay, back to SEO.  Pagerank.  Much has been said about it.  In layman's terms, can you explain it?

Darren:  Sure.  Think of the top ranking positions in Google's SERPs as a bar brawl.  Each fighter has muscle made out of content and a pool cue made out of PageRank.  Now… clearly, the winner of this fight is not going to be some scrawny anorexic, wielding a 10-foot pool cue, right?  I mean… sure, he can hit you from across the room, but you probably wouldn't even feel it.  But what about the opposite extreme… some kind of massive bodybuilder out there, trying to get close enough to poke at you with his 3-incher?  That wouldn't work either.  The last man standing might not be the strongest or have the longest pool stick, but he would be a well-rounded fighter with strength AND length.

Sean:  Darren, let's talk about your childhood for a minute.  Some have said you were a bit of a bully on the playground.  How do you respond to that?

Darren:  Have you ever noticed that people who label others as bullies are almost always inferior?  I think it's sad how society expects people like me to suppress their strengths for the sake of the weak.  If we as a people are not comfortable with the differences in our own abilities, shouldn't we be criticizing the underachievers?  I think it's ridiculous that I'm the one being discriminated, simply because I have superior genes.

Moments after answering the question of his childhood, Darren became agitated and beat me to a pulp with a pool cue he was hiding under his Burqa, thus bringing an end to this insightful and deeply emotional interview.